As FutureCon has come and gone, I thought it would be neat to share the script of the insta-play I wrote and directed for the Gala Dinner. FutureCon is a charity convention New Years Eve event that supports Epilepsy Toronto. During the pre-dinner red carpet we plucked 4 people from the audience and they had half an hour to learn the script and the blocking. Then they performed in front of the whole hall! They were really awesome and everyone laughed a lot, which pleased me!
A HUGE thank you to my fantastic cast; they were such great sports!
Vader, Loki, Me, Princess Leia and Princess Rapunzel (Cinderella in the original script, but with that fantastic purple dress of course we had to change it!)
And now… the script!
Loki and Darth Vader walk onto the stage together.
Loki: … and here’s your Mouse Ears, and here’s your badge. Welcome to the club. Being a Disney villain is great!
Vader: Thanks.
Loki: You already have a swishy cape. Have you started practicing your villain song? They promised me a villain song in the next film. Jed Weadon is going to write it.
Vader: (breathes heavily)
Loki: Oh… er… I suppose they’ll exempt you.
Cinderella and Leia enter from the other side of the stage, unseen by Loki and Vader.
Cinderella: … and here’s your A-line skirt, and your magical animal friend!
Leia: I have a magical animal friend already.
Cinderella: Oh, good! What is he? A cute little teddy bear? A singing deer?
Leia: A walking carpet.
Wookie sounds from off stage.
Cinderalla: (perturbed)… oh. He sounds… you know… competent.
Leia: Not particularly.
Back to Loki and Vader –
Loki: Oh, I nearly forgot, you need your big ball of Daddy Issues.
Vader: I have no father.
Loki: Oh. Um. Issues with authority?
Vader: Well, I did kill the Emperor.
Loki: Already? Oh. Odin’s beard… Ah! Fear of heights! Villains always fall, you need a good solid fear of heights to see you through! (Tries to hand him something)
Vader: I was a podracer as a kid.
Loki: (deflated) Well. You’re not the typical Disney villain then, are you? I suppose that’s… good on you?
Back to Leia and Cinderella-
Cinderella: I bet he’s handsome, is he handsome?
Leia: In a roguish sort of way.
Cinderella: And he’s an excellent dueller.
Leia: When he shoots first.
Cinderella: And he must be charming.
Leia: He’s smarmy. Is that the same thing?
Cinderella is annoyed that Leia isn’t swept off her feet.
Cinderella: What did he say when you told him you loved him?
Leia: “I know.”
Cinderella: That’s… that’s not very romantic. But what was the kiss like when he rescued you?
Leia: I rescued him. In a gold bikini, no less. Less clothes than him, but definitely bigger balls.
Cinderella: Oh! Oh, you’re one of those… modern Princesses.
Leia: What is that supposed to mean? I am a classic – as in, Joseph Campbell classic, honey.
The ruckus attracts Loki and Vader’s attention.
Loki: Yowza. What a spitfire. Reminds me of Sif. Is she one of you lot?
Vader: You could say that. Er… hi Leia.
Leia: Oh, er… hi. Dad.
Loki and Cinderella share a look of disbelief
Cinderella: *ahem*. It’s very nice to meet you, King…
Leia: Darth
Vader: Vader.
Cinderella: Oh.
Loki: And it’s very nice to meet you, Miss…
Cinderella: –Princess—
Leia: Leia.
Cinderella: Of Alderon.
Darth: Formerly.
Leia: Nerf herder!
Cinderella: You know, there’s a great Disney tradition of fathers and daughters. Pocahontas and the Chief, the Sultan and Jasmine, Ariel and King Triton. I liked my Dad a lot. You’re lucky, coming to Disney with your father.
Leia and Vader squirm uncomfortably.
Loki: I … take it you don’t get along? Splendid! I love a good familial conflict storyline!
Cinderella: Oh! Poor Leia. Well, you make up with your father at the end, don’t you?
Leia and Vader squirm some more.
Cinderella: Oh, no!
Loki: Oh, yes!
Cinderella: Hey, hush, you… you … you Dairy Cow!
Loki: What’s the matter, Princess? Glass slippers pinching?
Loki and Cinderella start fighting and smacking each other. Leia and Vader look appalled.
Vader: How base. No one is using the Force at all.
Leia: Or even a laser rifle. They still bash at each other.
Vader: It’s a good thing we’re here, daughter. We have lots to teach these plebs.
Leia: Like narrative structure.
Vader: And casual racism.
Leia: No, I think Disney’s got that down. But I could use a lesson or two in the Force, if you’ve got time. Dad.
Vader: Sure thing, sweetheart. I hear you use it in the tie-in novels.
Leia: True. You know, they’re not all bad, these Disney people.
Vade: Yeah. They got us away from that madman who kept rewriting our backstories!
Leia and Vader shudder.
Both: Lucas!
They link arms and saunter off stage. Loki and Cinderella fall down.
